Top 10 Tools of the Social Media Swiss Army Knife

If you've shown up here, why don't you mosey on over to my new blog? Yeah, I just soft launched The BrandForward Blog. It's at http://michelletripp.com. You can find all the same posts you can find here. But it's a bit more pretty.

Yeah, go on! Scoot! Nothing to see here!

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You may not like today's post.

I'm not laying into ghost tweeters. I'm not telling Domino's where it's at. I'm not even going to say a single word about big media. Really.

Today I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to whip up an informative post. (gasp!) Something you can actually use. Today I'm going to talk about social media. And what the heck you're supposed to do with it.

So let's get to the thing. A lot of people out there are trying to figure out what to make of social media. How to use it. How to master it. How to turn it into something that doesn't scare small children. Companies are trepidatiously calling their agencies. Talking to their buddies on the golf course. Acting all cloak and dagger in the break room as if they're talking about tampons or hemorrhoids. Asking the same question. All in hushed tones.

"What exactly is this whole social media thing anyway?"

"What is Twitter?"

"How do you get your kids to friend you on Facebook?"

Well you could ask a social media expert. Or you could just pull out that Swiss Army knife you've got stuffed in your shirt/pocket/purse/glove box.

Because social media is essentially a Swiss Army knife. And a Roman legion of social media experts can't tell you more about social media than a simple Swiss Army knife can.

Social media is a tool.

A tool to get something done. Just like you'd pull out the multi-appendaged knife's shiny corkscrew to pop open a bottle of wine three minutes after the boss leaves on a Friday. Or flip out the nail file to dig leaky printer ink from your fingernails before meeting with the CEO. Or open up that handy 2" mini-blade to fend off a savage bear attack.

This is social media. Nothing fancy about it. You can sprinkle fairy dust all over Facebook and MySpace. You can pretend Second Life is going to go mainstream. You can daydream about the 19,530 Twitter followers Gary McCaffrey promises to get you in 30 days. Right. And all the wealth and riches that supposedly goes along with that.

But at the end of the day, social media isn't magic. It's just a tool, a multi-functional, albeit bright red and shiny tool. Waiting for a purpose. And without clear objectives and ultra-sharp strategy, using social media is like trying to cut a rope with those cute little Swiss Army tweezers. Not the right tool. Might make a dent but ultimately it's not going to work. And certainly isn't going to be efficient.

Yeah, I could have walked away right now and left this a neat, tidy little sub-1500 word post that might not eat up a whole lunch break. But why have a Swiss Army knife if you can't take it out and play with it. It has so many nifty little pieces.

So here's my collection of social media Swiss Army tools. Each for a specific use, each with its own capability. Just like the Swiss Army knife, social media packs a whallop. But it’s only effective when each tool is understood and used for its proper purpose and executed within the confines of a comprehensive marketing strategy.

1. Social Media as an Account Planning Research Tool
When used as an account planning tool, social media helps a company connect to the pulse of the consumer market and gain insight into how to speak with consumers and how to influence them more relevantly. Social media account planning complements traditional primary research methods and gets closer to raw opinions and of-the-moment brand conversation.

2. Social Media as an SEO Research Tool
Social media can also complement SEO research. Granted, there are a lot of great SEO tools out there that can tell you which search terms are trending for your specific market, as well as what's being overused or underused, and a whole slew of other fun toys. But adding social media research to the mix allows you to do some of the digging yourself so you can see first-hand the keywords in the context of real-time conversation, get a feel for trends by reading blogs, and experimenting with the results of long tail search terms. It's kind of like the difference between getting a creative brief in your IN BOX vs. hearing all the nuances from listening to the client speak about the project. I always prefer the latter. A lot of SEO practitioners will probably say that analyzing link juice, page rank, search terms, and evaluating reach and exposure is naturally social media. I'm just saying it can be used in a truly social way, where a warm body is doing the research as opposed to a search engine algorithm.

3. Social Media as a Public Relations Tool
Social media is a way for traditional public relations counselors to execute their strategies in a more proactive way, building even stronger relationships with bloggers, news brands, and online journalists. It also opens the window on getting brand exposure in more venues than they've ever had access to. Purposing social media for PR uses strategies similar to traditional PR, but using this new set of tools allows for more proactive innovation in the execution. A social media twist can be spun on press releases, corporate communiqué, reputation management, or awareness programs. And on and on.

4. Social Media as a Point-of-Sale Tool
As a virtual point-of-purchase tool, social media can serve as the catalyst for a buying decision. This can be anything from having a sales agent manning the Twitter feed to being proactive about forum interaction on your website. Or creating a virtual sales agent on your website ready to interact in real-time. Or a strategically-placed banner ad. The key is having a proactive presence at the virtual points where customers are likely to be making final purchasing decisions.

5. Social Media as a Customer Service Tool
Social media can be used to field customer complaints and questions, or to direct customers to the appropriate point of contact for specific needs and requests. Or to educate. Or just to have a (gasp!) real conversation. Using social media as a customer service and customer relationship management tool (thanks @AlexnNYC!) lets brands get closer to the customer when the customer needs them most, which in turn influences brand trust and provides brand assurance.

6. Social Media as Direct Sales Tool
Yeah, it's pretty obvious. There are those wonderfully high-minded folks who've discovered that social media can be used as the least appreciated form of marketing: door-to-door sales. Load up an auto DM with a "free e-book" link or the URL to your product website and you're treading a really thin line. When you don't have the time, budget, or marketing know-how to launch something subtle, strategic, and targeted, or you're pretty sure the only way to make a sale is to overwhelm the consumer with big promises and TMI, there's always social media as a direct sales tool. You've seen it around. You know who's doing it. You're probably ignoring it.

7. Social Media as a Direct Marketing Tool
This is a tool that allows marketers to quickly identify and qualify leads and blanket large numbers of potential customers with highly-targeted or loosely targeted direct messaging. Consider it a kinder, gentler form of spamming. Which means when it's used in social media it probably has a tiny bit more relevance than those Viagra and Mexican pharmacy emails that just won't go away. But not much.

8. Social Media as an Advertising Tool
In place of television, radio, outdoor, and print are YouTube, podcasting, banner ads, and blogs. Social media as an advertising tool is so massive I can't even begin to lay out the land without upgrading my hosting package. (okay I'm still on blogspot, just go with me here). The key is that social media as an advertising tool seeks to achieve similar objectives as traditional media, but the tactics and path to sale are different. Requiring a whole new set of strategies. And a very different looking media department.

9. Social Media as a Brand Positioning Engagement Tool
I love brand positioning. There's just something about getting to the core of a product, service, and company that makes my day. Truly brilliant advertising/marketing is founded on solid brand positioning. Getting to the core of what matters to the client and what's true about the company and product. Social media is a phenomenal tool in this respect. It's two-pronged. First, it allows a brand team to delve into the blogosphere, twittersphere, socialsphere, and googlesphere to uncover hidden consumer realities and motivations that ultimately drive brand positioning. On the other side, it gives a brand the chance to be authentic in its connections. When consumers interact with a brand in social media they walk away with a more saturated, lasting brand aftertaste. Social media as a brand positioning tool makes a connection that can ultimately be even more powerful than the connection made through traditional media. And man. Is that hard for me to say. Because one of my greatest passions is harnessing the power of a core value to make a tangible brand connection using something as flimsy as TV/radio/print. But social media ramps that ability right up to 11.

10. Social Media as a Community Tool
I started to lump this with Brand Positioning. But I needed a 10th. And because growing a social media community hinges on crafting a brand experience from the “promise” perspective. And that's branding, baby. But because of this new and interesting animal we call "co-ownership" it creates a need to manage the brand community. Let's just say community picks up where brand positioning strategy ends. Oh and you can expect your customers to now have the title of Brand Manager. You no longer own the brand nor do you control it with an iron fist. This gives you the chance to build customer loyalty in a fresh, new way. Or fail in a fresh, new way. So you better do a good job. With customers. Not just at the awards show and on the blogging circuit. Because people will talk. And that's why today, protecting your social media community is just as essential as protecting your trademark. Only not as easy.

The Difference Between Marketing and Social Media
Okay, just because you can head out into the hinterlands with nothing but a Clif Bar and a Swiss Army knife and still come out alive, a brand cannot survive with a social media Swiss Army knife alone.

Pack the whole bag.

Integrate. Realize that "marketing" is that 5000 cubic inch Kelty backcountry pack you've had strapped on for many an adventure. It holds a lot of gear. You need that gear. A social media Swiss Army knife is just a part of it.

Are there more social media Swiss Army tools? You betcha. We haven't even gotten into the Strategic Alliance tool, Referral Marketing tool, and I'm sure there's someone out there working on a Timeshare Marketing tool. Lord help us. But the point is social media is a tool that has a lot of different purposes. And none of them should be used just because they look pretty. Yeah, a Swiss Army knife is a beauty to behold. It's even got a place in MOMA. But unless you're MacGyver you really shouldn't expect it to launch rocket ships.

Okay, so as much as I'd like to go on and on and map out which social media networks work best with which tools, and go into the mix and match uses of blogging, video blogging, podcasting, webinars, Yelp, and Yahoo Answers, this isn't a white paper and that little man with the stick is jumping up and down. Apparently I've exceeded the time limit. They want me backstage. Now.

Your turn. What are the social media Swiss Army tools you're using? How are you using them? And why. Let's pack this bag.




*****
The term "Swiss Army" is a registered trademark owned by Wenger S.A. and Victorinox A.G.

Domino's Didn't Deliver: Social Media Fail Whale

If you've shown up here, why don't you mosey on over to my new blog? Yeah, I just soft launched The BrandForward Blog. It's at http://michelletripp.com. You can find all the same posts you can find here. But it's a bit more pretty.

Yeah, go on! Scoot! Nothing to see here!

I was just going to let the whole thing go.

But after a week of reading countless industry blogs praising Domino's and its response to the now infamous viral video of two employees desecrating a sandwich, I just couldn't. Not when Domino's is being applauded for what's essentially nothing short of splashing around the big fail whale tail.

Domino's may know the recipe for the pizza that put 20 pounds on me in college, but it missed a couple of key ingredients on its PR strategy:

1) Speed of Response

Domino's failed on two counts with speed. While I respect that Domino's VP of Communications Tim McIntyre took action once he got news of the video, it wasn't the company that identified and isolated the video and it should have been. Because of a lack of social media tentacles, precious time was lost. And a lot of people saw the video. 

Barf bags abounded.

Speed of response? It was readers of the Consumerist, the now famous Amy Wilson and "whyerhead" who saw the video on YouTube and took the initiative to figure out where the offensive video originated and called the store directly. For Domino's as a company I'm envisioning more of a "deer-in-the-headlights" look as opposed to Speed Racer rushing in to take down the baddies. Let's face it. Domino's was not in position to act quickly. They just got lucky that a savvy internet user had some time on their hands and spared the company an additional million or so viewers on YouTube.

Which brings us to the second way Domino's failed on speed. The internet moves fast. Real fast. The company was basically trying to win a drag race in a 72' Pinto. With a late start. Even though the company is now priding itself and being lauded by some pretty big names for its quick actions, the internet was moving faster. Way faster. The race was lost.

But had Domino's already built up a Twitter community of say even a modest 10,000, the Domino's tweeter would have either been alerted by a follower in the minutes after the offending video was uploaded or they would have (hopefully) been using a search client like TweetDeck or Twhirl and would have known the second the words "Domino" "Domino's" or "pizza" hit the Twittersphere. If they were plugged into blogs and connected to social media trail blazers, that video wouldn't have had a fighting chance.

Lesson for Domino's: Forget those snappy UPS commercials about moving at the speed of business. Today it's about "moving at the speed of opinion." And you can't be detecting opinion and crafting opinion when you're fumbling around in the pit while everyone else is on the race course.

2) Proactivity

For starters, Domino's appeared to have no plan on how to handle a social media crisis, or even know what a social media plan would look like for that matter. They wrangled up management behind closed doors and reportedly didn't include their creative agency or other consultants in the decision-making process. I can only think of one word to sum up what that smells like: panic. Okay and fear.

Definitely not proactivity.

A company that has a social media plan in place would have their agency in the room counseling on the appropriate tactics and reviewing the plan. Unfortunately, Domino's was most likely formulating objectives, strategies, and tactics all in one hasty, heparin-popping meeting. Which no doubt culminated in someone running out of the conference room, knocking co-workers into walls, and stumbling over coffee-bearing interns as they raced to their office to create a Twitter account.

This is what happens when you're not proactive. Things get messy. Coffee gets spilled. People in suits have to run.

3) Creativity

The Domino's video response was the biggest fail whale of the whole thing. Because it left so much on the table. There was nothing creative about it. It was public relations 80's style. No brand personality. No finesse. No charm. Just business. 

It might have worked brilliantly in 1983 but today it felt awkward. It was as if Gordon Gecko walked onto an Edward Jones commercial and proclaimed "Greed is Good!" with a cheshire smirk, expecting a round of here here's. (Sadly, that might have actually worked ten years ago). With today's Wall Street crisis, it would have been grossly out of place. 

This is along the same lines of how the Domino's video response was irrelevant to today's audience. Okay, maybe not so dramatic. But without taking into account today's audience and the internet climate, Domino's message was out of touch. They used the right tools but with the wrong voice. While watching the video of Domino's president Patrick Doyle I wanted to look over my shoulder to see who he was talking to. My dad maybe? 

Creatively, the video could have been so much more. And I don't mean high production value: 

This instant in time for Domino's was the hero moment. It was begging for a brand home run. Domino's didn't ask to have its image thrust into the media so publicly and negatively, but it was given an unlikely opportunity to shine, to build the brand even stronger, and to come out looking like the hero of Pizza brands. What they could have done was fight fire with fire and create a video of their own that incorporated the brand at its best. It could have been a self-deprecating, aw-shucks moment of brilliance that made the public feel good and LOVE Domino's.

Instead they love Susan Boyle. 

The world was waiting for a wronged underdog to champion. And Domino's failed to seize that moment.

Domino's took the stuffy corporate route. Patrick Doyle didn't come across as a personable follow-me kind of guy, but more like a stunned corporate stiff that just had the side of his Lamborghini keyed. 

Basically, the video just felt wrong. It didn't fix anything. And it didn't seize that special moment that could have been leveraged to build the brand. It felt like an Olympic relay team dropping the baton and losing the gold on the last 100 yards of the race. It's terrible that this happened and Patrick Doyle has every right to be upset. But go be upset behind closed doors with a bottle of Glenmorangie. This was the chance for the brand to shine. It was a time to creatively embrace the role of underdog hero. And own it.

A lot of industry bigwigs are probably in the process of inking book deals on the crisis. And B-school textbook scholars are no doubt adding case study pages next to the Tylenol fast-reaction bottle tampering chapter. All of them gushing about how great Domino's PR crisis management was.

But for me and other social media strategists who have a new set of priorities and see the social media landscape as far more than another broadcast medium, and certainly more than an afterthought, we'll be penciling in Domino's as new media's first big brand fail whale.

With any luck, at least a handful of scholars are quickly moving their Domino's chapter a little closer to the one with the Exxon Valdez. Reevaluating the rules of PR. Learning to move at the speed of opinion.

And thinking twice before ordering a pizza.

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Brand Fail Whale: Restaurant Owner Turns Negative Yelps Into T-Shirts

If you've shown up here, why don't you mosey on over to my new blog? Yeah, I just soft launched The BrandForward Blog. It's at http://michelletripp.com. You can find all the same posts you can find here. But it's a bit more pretty.

Yeah, go on! Scoot! Nothing to see here!

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Yelp's had some publicity lately, and not a lot of it good.

Let's forget the "holy crap" moment this week when a judge ruled that Yelpers can be sued for libel. And let's move on to something a little less disturbing. If only slightly.

I just finished reading an article from NPR's On the Media http://tr.im/otmy that was basically an interview with a San Francisco restauranteur who got upset about some bad Yelp reviews and "confronted" the issue by turning the offending Yelps into T-shirts. "This place sucks" and stuff like that.

Clever idea but it seems the opportunity to improve and connect with some very important customers was lost. By taking a complaint and essentially turning it into a joke, the restaurant owner made a statement. A big one. Basically that he doesn't take his customers seriously. And if you're particularly demanding (or just expect things to be right), instead of being respected as a paying customer you're going to get called out and put in your place.

Business-to-consumer companies are admittedly having it a little rough right now. In the past, a company that didn't make customer service a top priority or provided an inferior product or service had total impunity. The customer could walk away upset and the company didn't have to care. Now with Yelp, companies are all of the sudden being forced by the customer to do the right thing. And a lot of companies aren't exactly prepared for that.

To prevent bad reviews, companies now have to hire better people, have a more positive management style, and produce a better product. They also have to get serious about their total offering and be prepared to satisfy every customer. Like as in ALL of them.

So back to the whole Yelp factor. Yeah, I know there's always going to be "that" customer who thinks it's funny to give one star and say they saw a rat run across the table. But I went to the Yelp page for the restaurant in question http://tr.im/delfina and the bad reviews were pretty reasonable. They were completely believable, criticizing mostly product quality, atmosphere, and employee behavior. No vicious rats, no people lying in the streets convulsing from food poisoning, no swill dripping from the rafters. Everything was pretty straight-forward.

But instead of looking at these Yelps as an opportunity to see things from a different perspective, the owner of the restaurant looked at it as a way to show he's more clever than his customers and that he doesn't take negative reviews seriously. Even if he's privately using Yelp to improve in small ways here and there, the T-shirts (while a successful media grab) are a total brand fail whale.

News Flash: Demanding customers are the ones that can be evangelized.

You think people don't realize when they're being demanding? You think they don't know they expect a lot? They do. But that doesn't soften the blow when they realize you don't care to please them. They take it personally. They think you're doing a bad job because you don't care about them. They think you want to take the lazy way. Tip the scale in your favor at their expense. These customers don't suffer the mediocre, and they're not about to let you get away with giving them the bum's rush. They want justice. And with Yelp they're going to get it. Let's count the number of times Best Buy has recently found itself on page one of Digg. Companies that fail to meet "demanding" customer expectations are in a bad place to be.

But the flip side is that if a company does meet their needs, they're going to tell the world. Cue the fireworks. They appreciate when a company can meet their expectations because it doesn't happen very often. This means they're going to love you. A lot. These are the customers that will Yelp your establishment in rainbow colors, and confront other Yelpers if they criticize you unjustly.

Still annoyed by those demanding customers?

Yelp is a gift. For brands and companies that honestly want to do the right thing, and value customers as unique individuals who don't want to be herded like King Ranch cattle to the cash register, Yelp is an amazing social media tool that can be leveraged to cultivate and celebrate brand evangelists.

For the companies that don't want to bother, there's always the T-shirt business.

Social Media Experts Are Scary.

If you've shown up here, why don't you mosey on over to my new blog? Yeah, I just soft launched The BrandForward Blog. It's at http://michelletripp.com. You can find all the same posts you can find here. But it's a bit more pretty.

Yeah, go on! Scoot! Nothing to see here!

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This is the kind of post that gets you unfollowed. A post with some very unpopular ideas. We'll call it the Hitler of blog posts. And considering it's a Twitter #followfriday I should probably come up with something a bit more butterflies and sunshine. Or at least margaritas and martinis.

But no. Not me. I like to live on the wild side. Kinda like companies who hire "social media experts."

So here's where I get in trouble today: I think this whole "social media expert" thing is getting really out of hand. Really. And not just because every other person with a Facebook account, a plane ticket to Austin, and a Twitter badge is claiming to be one. It's because even if a true social media expert actually exists, calling yourself one is just another way of saying "I know enough to be dangerous."

By even using the words social media expert it's like you're intentionally not choosing to say marketing expert. Because that would be hard to pull off if you're not one. But social media expert. That's easy. Have Twitter account, will travel.

Which is why social media experts scare me. Because by definition they're not marketing experts.

DOH!

For all the flashing lights and shooting stars, social media is simply a tool. Technically it's an advertising medium. When someone says they're a social media expert it carries the same weight as if someone said "I'm a cable media expert." Okay. That's just one medium. Yes, being an expert of a medium does have value. But I'm not going to hand over a blank sheet of paper and expect my cable rep to write a comprehensive marketing program or decide what the best message is, or work on creative or manage the client's brand. Or (gasp!) all of the above.

Which is what I'm seeing a lot of social media'ers trying to do. Using the term "social media expert" interchangeably with "marketing expert." Which is why it's so scary.

So with all due disrespect when I see iPhone app writers and web site designers and 26 year-old "self-employed" twitterers and mommybloggers claiming the title of "social media expert" I feel like I'm Alice in Wonderland. Falling down a really deep hole. Into a world where anyone can be an expert, and having a few years experience and barely any real marketing under their belt somehow confers the status of rock star. It's like strategic marketing never existed. Like Elvis walked in and everyone lost their head and started throwing panties.

A lot of people with knowledge of the internet but little or no marketing experience are riding the social media hype to make a buck. Or launch a new career. And because a lot of companies don't have the first idea how to proceed in the social media space they're forced to trust these "experts" for marketing advice.

A train wreck we are a'pproachin.

So let's digress for a moment. Let's assume there is such an animal. The social media expert. The rock star. Versed in all things Twitter, Facebook, Flicker, YouTube, Vimeo, and you name it. Let's just call them channels. Thing is I don't ever remember any of my cable reps fancying themselves up and announcing they're an expert. I respect them for that. Which is why I have an issue with the social media variety. The humility is missing. They're not happy as simply the purveyors of media planning information. They want to be on stage. With the panties.

So panties aside, I trust cable reps to provide recommendations that include (quantitative) demographics, reach, frequency, GRP, CPP, and CPM for every channel on the line-up. Similarly I would also trust a social media rep for the same type of advice for social media. Am I going to let them dictate what percentage of my budget belongs in social media? No. Am I going to let them have carte blanche to develop creative and determine the best message? No. Am I going to trust them to handle Adsense and affiliate marketing? Unless they can prove they were too busy with clients to get anywhere near SXSWi, probably not.

What's truly the scariest part of the "social media expert" craze is a lot of companies are getting caught up in the glitz and glam of social media and letting these "experts" have a go at their marketing budget like Mike Tyson at a casting call for America's Next Top Model. And even a lot of ad agencies are parading their shiny, new "social media departments" in front of clients. Further feeding the frenzied perception that social media experts are the second coming.

Now don't get me wrong. Social media and internet marketing are good things. And I believe in SEO, SMO, SEM, SMM, CGM, PPC, CTR, PFI, SERP, CPC, SES, and OMG. And I love love love social media. I'm right there with it. No fewer than a hundred beta accounts to prove it. Internet is an effective advertising medium. And social media is an amazing marketing tool. But it's just a tool.

Kinda like the Twitter search tool I'll be using later to check my #unfollowfridays.

Bloggers who pop the big smiley-face balloon of social media can't exactly expect to be a twitterverse favorite, now can we?

Forget the Ad Degree, Watch Mad Men Instead.

When the heart of good advertising can be captured succinctly and brilliantly in a three-minute YouTube video, it kinda makes you wonder about the actual value of spending four years sleeping through advertising classes.

And kinda makes me glad I didn't bother.

One of my favorite bloggers, Edward Boches (http://edwardboches.com) posted a link to one of the greatest moments in television history. Nope, not James Harrison's 100-yard interception return. Although that definitely could qualify. But of all the moments in TV history that I could watch over and over and still need a Kleenex the 50th time I see it, an episode of AMC's Mad Men takes the honors.

What made this clip such a great moment was how it took a critical (and oftentimes forgotten) advertising philosophy and executed it in a way that reminds me why I got into advertising in the first place. It's about getting to the truth and communicating what's real. It's about connecting with the consumer at the deepest level. It's about not just getting into the consumer's head, but also into their heart. And when the stars align, into their soul.

I've seen both creative and account people get lost in a sea of analytics, deadlines, billable targets, and executional mandatories and forget what really matters. What makes advertising matter. When we do our job right, we can turn a simple product or service into an emotional experience.

As advertisers we add a magical ingredient that no tangible product could ever have on its own. We tell a story that makes a connection. We help the consumer see value beyond the price tag. It's no longer something they can own, it's something they can live. We take a product that exists in the outer world and make it a part of their inner world. As humans we're driven to define ourselves through association, and we begin to LOVE the products we choose, because they fulfill our need for identity.

As advertisers we help inanimate objects and everyday services gain entrance to a special place in the consumer's heart and mind where the identity lives. We help build a consumer's "brand family," the group of products and services a consumer is connected to, has an emotional bond with, and will have a hard time abandoning.

I love how Mad Men demonstrated so eloquently the difference between agencies that create advertising and agencies that build that amazing connection. The difference between agencies that build powerpoints and agencies that build evangelists.

We all want to make a difference in our world and sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the value of what we do. Thanks to Edward for digging up a reminder that as advertising "inventors" we bring something powerful and beautiful to the table. What we do doesn't just create revenue and profits. We don't just create ads and reports and powerpoints.

We create MEANING.



Watch the YouTube clip of Don Draper's presentation to Kodak. It's three minutes well-spent.

I'm a PC: Microsoft's 60-Second Masquerade Ball

Hey kids, here's your lesson for the day: The first rule of the schoolyard:

"TRYING TO BE COOL IS UNCOOL."

That's why I'm perplexed that Crispin Porter + Bogusky seemed to forget this simple principle when they developed (or as I sometimes like to say: "shat out") the new "I'm a PC" commercials for Microsoft.

The French have a word for the natural way some people can look cool without trying, and ultimately draw others to respect and admire them. It's called "sprezzatura." The sad, painful fact for Microsoft is that Mac has this in spades. And the new "I'm a PC" commercials make it clear that Microsoft wants it. Really, really wants it. Which means they really, really don't have it. If Microsoft wanted to emerge from the quagmire of doltness, they should have developed a campaign that takes what's great about themselves and pwned it. Not try to own what's great about Mac and throw a 60-second masquerade ball hoping no one will ask to see what's under the costumes.

In grand fashion, the Microsoft "I'm a PC" commercials try to establish the company as "a cool kid, too," but unwittingly erect a flashing neon arrow that screams "I'm a wannabe! Don't you wannabe a wannabe just like me?" Right. Um. Yeah. And then let's go hang out behind the band hall during lunch. With Ballmer.

Sorry, folks in the CP+B research department, but the whole "I'm a PC" concept comes off looking like a Cincinnati defensive tackle. Shame on the creative team for coming up with this testament to desperate miscellany. Shame on Account Planning for letting it slide. And shame on whoever approved the crowbar shunting of celebrity cameos. To say they were "awkward" is being nice. When Eva Longoria and Tony Parker popped on screen - the ick factor was oozing beyond the bandage. It felt like the dorky kid's big sister marched out onto the playground to scold everyone into being nice to him. Yes, and the minute she walks away someone will be rolling him around in the mud and dying his hair pink in the boys' bathroom.

Oddly enough, the celebrity presence didn't raise my respect for PCs. It only lowered it for the celebrities. I was embarrassed for them. I was embarrassed for Microsoft. Was there no one in this whole creative process who stepped back and pointed out the obvious? It was like Michael Jackson was about to have another plastic surgery and everyone in the room was either nodding and saying "sounds like a great idea!" or just looking the other way with a smirk.

The best part of the "I'm a PC" commercials is the irony. The spots reinforce in rainbow colors Microsoft's position of being on the outside of the cool crowd looking in. And Apple didn't even have to pay for it. Microsoft is trying so hard to connect with culture and humanity, but just like Data's quest for humanity in First Contact, Microsoft's "I'm a PC" is little more than clumsy attempts to graft bits of human skin onto robotic limbs. Is it a coincidence that sci-fi's iconic android has more personality than the PC world's own humanoid icon? There's really only one thing worse than trying to look cool when you're not. It's trying to look human when you're not.

At the end of Microsoft's "I'm a PC" masquerade ball, the costumes will come off, the poser will be exposed, and the kids on the playground will show no mercy.